January 26, 1995 (2011)

And just like that, my baby is 16. Samantha will surprise me with her insight, make me laugh till I cry and just stun me with the beautiful young lady she is becoming. I’m never sure what I’m going to get on any given day. Sometimes I am Mama, the word said with warmth, and all heart. Other days I am MOM – all business. When she is exasperated – Motherrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! Sometimes, when she is feeling particularly vulnerable – I am Mommy…

A day or two before Samantha was born I wasn’t feeling a lot of movement from the baby. She was “resting” I guess. Getting ready for her grand entrance. Ever cautious I went to the Dr. on the Wednesday. He was awesome and calmed any fears. But just to be on the safe side booked me for a fetal assessment for the Thursday. I had been talking to my mom earlier in the week – she was on tap to watch Mandy whenever I went into labour. She said in jest - any day… just not Thursday – she had a big meeting at work. So I talked to Joanne who had a day off and was SO excited to have a day with Mandy while I went to my appointment.

I guess Samantha had other plans. Thursday morning around 4:30am I started pacing. I was having contractions. Tim was “resting comfortably” so I went downstairs and did my own thing for a couple of hours. By 6:30am I knew I was in labour. Tim was already getting ready for the day, and Mandy woke up too. We phoned mom and dad and said ummmm, its Thursday! We need you… Dad could have well looked after Mandy on his own, but Mom was on pins and needles and decided to blow off her meeting to look after Mandy. We dropped off Mandy by 8:30 and went to the Vic. As an aside – its hard to fool a 2 year old when you’re in agony let me tell you! The hospital was all ready for us. Mom called ahead to reserve a room LOL. (she was head of medical records and admitting at the time). We had the end of the hall suite with a BIG window. Nice – not that I noticed much after a while.

Labour seemed to slow down then. We just kind of waited it out. I wasn’t in constant pain, which was nice. Tim read a couple of magazines and I pretended to breathe… Dr. Sharkey came in around 12:30 on his break from his practice across the street. While he was examining me I felt – you know – the WOOSH. He had broken my water without forewarning!! His view was I could go on and on like this till it broke… or he could speed it up. Well that was exciting. Suddenly I was terrified. After my water broke with Mandy was when the ABSOLUTE pain began. I was adamant though that this time – no Demerol. Last time it made me violently ill. Didn’t want to play that game again. Too bad my brain on pain couldn’t quite stick to that thought. By 1pm, life as I knew it was one big rolling ball of pain. I could barely think. I had to have drugs. Tim tried to persuade me to stick to the plan. I told him to stick it. The nurse came and checked me deciding there was time to have the pain killer. She came back with it, in minutes. Unfortunately she didn’t check me again. She gave me the drugs and then almost immediately I had to start pushing. WHOAH Nellie - try to stop that horse from the leaving the barn – not! They called the Dr. back and by 1:36 or so Samantha came cart wheeling out. She was 7lbs, 4oz. Mandy was 6lbs 14oz. I tell you right now that 6oz makes a world of difference from where I was sitting. This labour went so fast (comparatively). I think having the Demerol when I did was not a good thing. It clouded my memory a little bit and Samantha had some of the Demerol in her system from me. So she was cold – had to go to the ICU to warm up. In the mean time we called family and friends who started pouring in to wish us well. One of the first people there asked where she was. In my still drug induced haze I reported that I had no idea. Seconds later I was crying cause I thought I was a terrible mother – oh for the love of hormones. What a blast though. I loved introducing Mandy to her little sister. I loved for the first time being able to talk about “my girls”. People tried to call her Sam or Sammy – Mandy intervened pretty darn quick. HER NOT SAM – HER SAMANTHA ASHLEY. Tim and I waffled a bit on what we were going to name this beautiful girl. When Tim went home that night, we had decided on Sabrina. The next morning he came back and said “you’ve always really like Samantha haven’t you”. ABSOLUTELY! I can’t imagine her any other way. Though aside from immediate family, the world now calls her Sam...

I remember looking out the window that day waiting for my baby to come. I didn’t know yet that it was Samantha. I didn’t know yet how much love would come gushing out as I learnt to know her. I didn’t know that little person would come and take her place in my heart.

this and that

I mentioned in an earlier post that I signed up for Police 1/2 Marathon on May 1st. I have been running for a long time. But this year watching Tim run his various marathons (especially Chicago) really inspired me. The countless people who make a marathon their goal is amazing to me. Even more amazing is watching 35,000 runners go by knowing that its such a small percentage of the population. Anyway, I have always run alone. I didn't think I ran well with others. It was kind of a confidence thing. As soon as I ran with another person I started judging myself compared to them. I'm not sure why. I mean I skate with a wonderful group of people and have no problem coming in last, though the last few years I've started to hold my own. Nice.

Last week on an impulse I joined the City Park Runners running clinic for the half. I am LOVING it. The group I find myself running with is awesome. So much fun, actually talking with them, getting to know them and having a common goal. I still feel my confidence is going to need some work. I look at the schedule for the coming months and I'm terrified that I won't be able to do it. But - if I follow the program and do the work, there's no reason I shouldn't cross the line. I'm praying for an injury free season and for this freaking cold snap to be BRIEF. Saturday was my first run in -30. Just a little chilly!! I've bought a lot of running gear - I didn't realize this was going to be so expensive! But - again... I'm loving it. Funny part was today I was tasked with doing a 5km easy run. If I reached 4km on my treadmill I'd be surprised. Motivation on a Sunday night is a little lacking. But at least I was on... the weather was really not conducive to going outside tonight.

Hey - did something new on Friday!! With Tim!! (get your mind out of the gutter). We SKYPED for the very first time. What a hoot! We spent over an hour online with B&J. What a blast, once you get over the feeling of weirdness it was pretty cool. We did a brief "face-time" chat with them on Christmas on Tim's phone. It was wonderful and awful at the same time. Seeing someone face-to-face yet unable to reach out and hug them was hard. But it was so nice to just sit down on Friday, chat, laugh and take a walk around their house as they took the laptop and showed us all the reno's they've done. Who would have thought it possible... (boy I sound old).

We just did our performance reviews at work. Ugh, i hate them. Basically the same form for the last 10 years. I don't know what to say anymore. I may have plagiarized myself from previous versions. Its so lame. I just truly have no motivation to say the same things in a new way. I'll have to try again next year... I vow next year not to even read previous versions so that I can try and be original. There. I've put it in writing. Hold me to it.