Coffee??

Ok, so let’s get down to the nitty gritty. I’ve always preferred my caffeine in chocolate form but now I’ve made a conscious decision to learn to drink coffee. My word. I’m 44. I’ve never had any desire to drink coffee in my life. But I have a problem. The last few months I’ve been struggling a lot to stay awake while at work… it’s driving me nuts. I wake up in the morning feeling completely exhausted. Sure you could say eat well, exercise, get good sleep – BUT I AM. For the most part I sleep through the night. Usually from 10:30 to 6:30. Pretty darn good. There is no way I should feel as tired when I wake up, as when I went to bed. I go for a physical every year and there are no issues. Truly I’m guessing it’s hormonal. The big “change” has been hovering for at least 3 years and if I could predict anything in life anymore it’s that there is no predictability. I started drinking diet coke a few years ago and if I needed it, that little hit of caffeine would usually do it for me in the afternoon. Not anymore. I need 8oz of the hard stuff. For the love of Pete I’ll be onto espresso before you know it. I’ve always loved the aroma of a freshly brewed pot, but each and every time I try to drink it I’m put off by the horrible bitterness. People have always tried to persuade me to add cream/milk/sugar whatever - Bailey’s. But I was loath to learn to drink it with “stuff”. I didn’t want the extra calories. To date I’ve tried a medium roast, French Vanilla and Cinnamon Pastry. (work has a Keurig, how many flavors are there any way!?!) Yesterday I was convinced to try it with hot chocolate. Well therein lies the rub. That’s the reason I became an old lady 2 years ago – I started drinking hot water to stay warm at work, there is no caffeine (or calories) in hot water. I figured I would try the hot chocolate trick. I hate the Cinnamon Pastry a little less than the French Vanilla, so used that one. At first it was more awful than coffee itself. I couldn’t decide if the hot chocolate helped the coffee, or if the coffee wrecked the hot chocolate completely. I managed to choke it down and thought – whatever. Not worth it. So today I had another Cinnamon Pastry – straight up. Just the way I like my Scotch. I figure if I acquired that taste, I can learn to drink anything. And, tis almost the season – I think I can make an exception to the rule by adding Bailey’s at least once, if not twice (at home, not at work). I have to at least give it a chance. I guess I’ll truly be a convert when I start having Tim hit the “brew” button before he leaves for work in the morning. That’s the funny part. On our very first date, over the course of the evening he asked me some very important questions: Do you drink alcohol to excess? Do you smoke? Do you do drugs? Do you exercise? (that’s another post, I did at the time, then stopped for years LOL) Do you eat fish? Do you drink coffee? Quite the interview. Who knew that’s just what he was looking for in a potential mate. So 23 years later I’m going to throw a wrench in. Coffee – hope it’s not a deal breaker.

Is 11 years a long time?

I've worked for the same guy for 11 years. That seems like a long time. I have no plans to change careers, but I do find myself thinking more and more about whenever I might be done. It will be a while yet. We are in no way secure enough to retire. But a girl can dream can't she? I have always said I like my job. And I do. But (there's always a but) change is in the air. Ever since we lost our CFO (and that has only been a month) things seem to have accelerated. We're not replacing him. That's ok. They've divvied up his responsibilities and hopefully it will all work out. But things are different. Put someone different in his office (of course, space is a commodity), processes change, people are moving around. I've always said change is good, or "its not wrong, its just different". But right now I feel overwhelmed by the differences. Our office manager and I take turns getting depressed it seems. She has it worse. He was her boss. How hard would that be. I shudder to think. I envision a lengthy career yet, with me retiring a day or three after my boss does. That's my hope. I have to focus on the here and now. It is really hard to not play the "what if" game. I worry about the other execs in our office who could suffer the same fate. I worry about the defibrillator in the cupboard beside my desk and wonder if I could be effective with it if I had to be. Emotions in the office are a moving target. Somedays are good, some are bad. Most people have already moved on well enough. That is the nature of the beast. Sometimes you have to fake it till you make it.

You know what I like?

I like that time passes and you get to the other side of things. Even a short time. Sometimes kids are grumpy in the morning and you leave each other feeling a little miffed. Or the kid is miffed and you shrug it off. Some people just aren't morning people. Or haven't figured out yet how to deal with life's little set backs, and you shouldn't take it out on the people that love you most (even a little bit). But fortunately the people that you love you most get it and don't hold it against you. I like it when several hours later that same kid texts you just for fun and makes you smile just by reaching out.

I’ve been pretty obsessed lately. NO, really!! This marathon thing takes up most of the usable space in my brain. (no it’s not a blonde thing) In no particular order: I’m thinking about my goal pace – a lot! Should I try and run with my training partner? What if I hold her back, what if she holds me back? I’m thinking about the weather, I’m wondering if I’ll have to use the porta potties, I wonder if I’m going to make it at all. Then I go back and beat myself up over every single issue. I’ve trained hard and long for this race. Of course I’m going to finish. I can’t control the weather so I have to get over it. Goal pace is one part training, one part mental, then at least two parts emotional. Don’t get me started on what happens on when my head and heart argue though!! Porta-Potties – it is what it is can’t control that either. Of course I’ll make it, why wouldn’t I. Yes I’ll run with my training partner. We know each other well enough by now to say – I’m done, you go ahead – or DON’T LEAVE ME, I NEED YOU. No gold medal on the line for me. No matter what I do in this particular race it will always be my first. No matter what time I come in – until I run another one – it will be my personal best. My first and only chance to have a personal best – regardless of how fast (or slow) I run. I truly want to finish (as Judy says) before that sweep van comes along and picks me up to close the course. Hmmmm, actually feel a little less nervous now. (for the moment anyway)

wow - facebook rage

I am seriously watching a conversation between 3 teenagers implode before me. Thank goodness none of them are mine. More f-bombs being dropped then you hear at a truck stop. I would love to say something, but i'm sure I'd get "un" friended in a heart beat. What's a mother/friend to do??? I feel like texting Samantha so she can facebook her friend, but then she'll know I'm watching too. There are some things that mothers just shouldn't be privy to. Or are there??? Just imagine that 10 years ago, or maybe less, this raging battle never would have happened. Because people have the open forum the gloves are off. Wow. I am just amazed at the pure rage I am seeing.

I really wanted to post something on my status, but... well then this teenager would see that too. Amazing thing is I know she is off at a private school. She is likely in study period right now. Yet she has this easy access to social media. All from her phone I'm sure. Would make me want to ban phones at the school, or shut down the service. This is an aspect to connectivity I've never thought about before. Sure kids could skype their mom & dad to whenever they missed them, but also get into severe trouble on the net, with no one the wiser. I hate watching this, but can't look away. What do I do??

Its the rage that I really worry about. Where does it end up? What's the outlet besides facebook?

time

I guess it was inevitable. I have reached that age. You know the one. The one where you only see certain people at certain times. You might get together with them intentionally once or twice a year. Other than that you see them at funerals. Wow, I didn't think this time would come till I retired or something silly like that. Then I wouldn't have to take off time from work anyway. I'm not sure what it is, but I usually feel incredibly guilty taking time off work for a funeral. Unless it is someone very close to me, then of course rational thought is not part of the process.

I have a funeral on Wednesday for my friends mom. I grew up with her, I spent lots of time at her house and have known her mom since I was probably five years old. There's no way I should feel guilty, but I do. The last time I went to a funeral my boss said "boy you have a lot of funerals". Not unkindly, but there it was. I don't think I know an extraordinary amount of people, but I think having a church family increases the number exponentially. I support the people I love. Sometimes I guess the relationship might not be with the deceased, but the living.

Years ago when I was around 21/22 an elder in our church died. I was going to the funeral. I worked with a man from my church at the time and he asked me if I would be going to the cemetery - I fumbled for words and said I didn't think I had time... I was new to my job, and a little worried about taking it off, he shook his head and asked what the world was coming to when we didn't have time for funerals. That man died recently, I didn't go to his funeral, I'd already been to one the week before - I felt guilty. What is the world coming to?

Things that make you pause

Last night Mandy was at work, but Tim, Samantha and I were were coming home from a family dinner around 7:45pm. Just leaving the city passed the Flying J we see a man walking along the side of the road. Alone. That in itself is not that unusual. Lots of hitchhikers on the #1, especially now that it is a bit warmer. The thing about this man - he was carrying/dragging a cross. It was not small, taller than him, the horizontal arms seeming to reach out past his own wingspan.

Samantha and I stared at each other not sure of what we had just seen. We looked back as he faded from sight. Both of us were struck by the feeling that we needed to go back. Talk to him. Find out what he was all about. Samantha wondered if we was pulling some kind of scam. I didn't think so. There was nobody around him, no "support" vehicle, no news cameras. Just a man carrying his cross on Easter weekend. Samantha did not know how to feel about this. Tim wasn't quite as struck by the sight of this man so we kept going. Its the last thing I thought of before sleep took me last night, the first thing on my mind this morning. I am perplexed.

Where was he coming from? Where was he going? How long had he been carrying this cross? Did he need help with his burden?

I am mindful of the fact that significant moments happen in our life without warning. I believe last night we barely scratched the surface of a highly significant moment.