It is what it is...

A lot of things happen in life that you have to shake your head at. I honestly felt that after Marilee died that I would never be the same. Some part of me changed forever. I didn't get mad at God, but I did get mad in general. I cried, I grieved, I ran as far as I possibly could just to get away from the pain in my heart. I drove to work everyday and sat in my car wondering why or how to go in. I listened to the songs we sang at her funeral over and over again. I wondered if I was at first obsessed with the songs, maintaining a connection to the funeral, maintained a connection to the person. Now that I have some distance I think it was more along the lines of comfort - it did give me a connection I didn't want to break. Then, ever so gently I was able to let those go. I can listen to the songs, I can sing them. I don't cry, they just let me be. I didn't want to feel absolute heartbreak every time I heard those songs. So maybe it was self preservation. By the time I was done with them, they were done with me. I still think about her almost everyday. I examine my own mortality on a regular basis. I wonder about the mortality of those around me. Not in a morbid way, but a curiosity really. It is what it is.

DH's stepmom has just been diagnosed with a non-hodgkins lymphoma. I'm sad and scared for her. What will it all mean? Further results and prognosis are yet to come. How will my kids deal with the loss of a grandparent. That leads me to think of their other grandparents, which includes my parents. How will I deal with that? People do, everyday. It is what it is.

I'm sad for KT, she has just lost her mom. I can't do anything to help ease that pain. I hadn't even met her and that makes me sad. It is what it is.

Every March and June I wonder about the nephews that I lost. What they meant to their hopeful parents. The little boys that they would have become. Then I remember I how very grateful I am to those little lives, they paved the way for their brothers to enter this world safely - this too, is what it is.

When I was younger, I used to pray - no, BEG - God for certain outcomes. Now. I pray "thy will be done" and for strength for those who need it. Someone told me recently its ok to ask "please make them better, if it is thy will". God's will - is what it is.

This all of course leads me to ultimate questions on faith, destiny, and my steadfast belief that everything happens for a reason. My faith is a constant, though I constantly have questions. **sigh** it is what it is.